Recovery Music: Forty Six & 2

I just heard this song again today and thought I’d share because it helped me through the hardest part of my recovery process – the beginning. The song is called Forty Six & Two, by a band named Tool.  I’d been a fan of the band for a few years, but when I entered recovery this song took on a whole new meaning.

The song title refers to the fact that humans have forty six chromosomes (23 pairs). Some people believe humans will someday mutate, gain another two chromosomes, and we’ll evolve into another life form.  That part of the song I take with a grain of salt – artistic license and all that.  Other lyrics of the song (and throughout the entire album) refer to Carl Jung’s psychological theories, specifically the way he broke down each person into having the following sections of their psychological makeup: the Self, the Ego, the Shadow, the Anima/Animus, and the Persona.

Jung believed each of the sections have qualities that could be good or bad depending on how they come out in our lives.  He believed a major goal of every individual should be to understand these different parts of himself or herself in order to consciously put them to good use. He felt that if we fail to do this consciously we run the risk of allowing those qualities to come out at the wrong time, in ways that would hurt us or others.

Looking back I could see similarities to exactly that in my life. This song helped me deal with the struggle of facing, understanding, and integrating those parts of myself.  Aside from having great lyrics, the song breaks into a harsh cadence that feels absolutely cathartic. It really mirrors the feeling of fighting … fighting myself, fighting to break through to the other side … especially the ending of the song.

I’ve copied the lyrics below the video. If you have a song that helped you through recovery, please leave a note about it in the comments section! 🙂

Tool – Forty Six & Two

(Whispered)
Join in my
Join in my child and listen
Digging through
My old numb Shadow

My shadow’s
Shedding skin
and I’ve been picking
Scabs again
I’m down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue

I’ve been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could’ve been
I’ve been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I’ve been hiding in

My shadow … my shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow’s shedding skin
I’ve been picking
My scabs again

(Whispered)
Join in my
Join in my child
My shadow moves
Closer to meaning

I’ve been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could’ve been
I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions

I wanna feel the change consume me
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within

My shadow … my shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time

Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I’ve been clinging to
Forty-six and two ahead of me

I choose to live, and to grow
Take, and give, and to move
Learn, and love, and to cry
Kill, and die, and to be
Paranoid, and to lie
Hate, and fear, and to DO
What it takes to move through

I choose to live, and to lie
Kill, and give, and to die
Learn, and love, and to DO
What it takes to step through

See my shadow changing
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me